A Fight to Forget
by x-PinkPanther-x
Summary: Three months after 'A Fight to Remember'. Everything is going wrong, and Camelot is facing the threat of war. Will Merlin and Arthur's relationship last? I'm not sure if I'm gonna continue it or not, please Review
1. Chapter 1

_**Title: **__A Fight to Forget_

_**Chapter 1: **__Merlin, Please!_

_**Disclaimer: **__I Don't Own ANYTHING_

_**Warning: **__Contains Slash relationships and self-harming. If you don't like it don't read it! _

_**A.N.: **__This is a sequel to my other Merlin story 'A Fight to Remember'. It's going to be written slightly different to my usual stories, because it's going to have little pieces of people's minds in it. There will be diary entries, POV's and narrative parts :) Please, R&R!! _

_ENJOY_

_**Merlin - Diary Entry One.**_

_I can't believe what's happened in the last few weeks. When Arthur told me that his father would forgive us, I'd been over the moon, even though he hadn't said anything to do with our relationship. We'd packed the huts up and given them to the villagers, just in case they needed to leave the village for fairly long periods of time, and we left them most of the food we'd hunted for or foraged for. We'd left with Uther and his personal guard, arriving at Camelot early the next morning. Arthur and I had both gone to our rooms to rest. Gaius was so pleased that I wasn't dead. But then everything went wrong._

_King Cendrid found out about Uther and his personal guard crossing the border between his kingdom and Camelot, and tried to declare war, Arthur was pressured by Uther about how he'd 'disappointed his father when he said he was gay', and Arthur and I started fighting. It's been awful, the past few days. Arthur refuses to speak to me, and he won't listen to Morgana, or even Gwen. I hope that no one finds this diary, it's the only thing I'm honest with at the moment. Nobody knows what I've been doing to myself lately, this is the first time I've put it into words: I'm destroying myself. Nobody will ever see my scars, as I can easily cover them up._

_I seal this entry with my newly drawn blood, and hope that this hellish time is over soon._

_Merlin._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Title: **__A Fight to Forget_

_**Chapter 2: **__A Shocking Discovery and an _

_**Disclaimer: **__I Don't Own ANYTHING_

_**Spoilers: **__Umm, I can't remember the name... The one with the stone that turns lead into gold in Gwen's father's forge. (Lols, sorry. The name ran away from my brain when i tried to remember it)_

_**Warning: **__Contains Slash relationships and self-harming. If you don't like it don't read it! _

_**A.N.: Sorry about the huge gap between chapters, I've been really busy lately, and my internet was cut off by BT for ages. :( But I'm back now! ^_^**_

Sighing, Merlin closed his diary and placed back under the loose floorboards underneath his bed. Putting on a fake smile, he walked out of his small room and out of Gaius' chambers, making his was to Gwen's small home. As he left, he nodded subtly at Morgana, who was speaking to sir Leon. She nodded back, smiling ever so slightly. Merlin smiled as he approached Gwen's house. Knocking on the rough wooden door, he stepped inside as Gwen opened it, looking cheerful.

Morgana smiled as she excused herself from Sir Leon's company. Walking to Gaius' chambers, she sighed. Her excuse to why she was there was she was getting a new sleeping draught from Gaius, but the real reason was far more unpleasant. She and Gwen were worried about Merlin; on the outside, he looked fine, but they could see his feelings inside were the opposite. Gwen had agreed to get Merlin away from Gaius' chambers so Morgana could search his room. They both knew he had a diary, and he'd keep it hidden -probably under the floorboards, as that was where he hid his book of magic. Shaking her head, she entered Gaius' chambers, heading straight to the small flight of steps that led to Merlin's room. Opening the door quietly, she glanced around the floor, looking for a loose floorboard. _There! _Near the bed, a floorboard was slightly out of place. Walking over cautiously, she stayed behind the board as she carefully pushed it up with the blade of a dagger she had brought hidden under her dress. Unable to find any traps, she warily lifted it up, revealing a book, bound and locked. Morgana stood, walking to the small bed and feeling under the pillows for the key. Grinning, she pulled it out and unlocked the book, un tying the strip of leather that was wrapped round it. Opening it, she scanned the page, gasped, and replaced the loose board, holding on to the book, key and leather strip. Gwen would be horrified when she saw this...

"Come in!" Gwen said, as Morgana knocked on the door. She knew it was Morgana for one simple reason - she always knocked three times. Everyone else only ever seemed to knock twice, except in an emergency, when the just wouldn't stop. Looking up, Gwen's eyes went wide as she saw Morgana's face It was extremely pale, and her eyes were full of tears. She looked awful, like she'd seen a ghost, or worse. Walking over to Merlin, Morgana sat opposite him, still unsmiling.

"Merlin, would you like to explain this?" she asked, taking out a small book. Merlin gasped, staring in horror.

"B-But that was in my- YOU SEARCHED MY ROOM!" he shouted, his eyes flashing gold as he hurled a vase at Morgana. Ducking, she nodded slowly.

"Yes, Merlin. I searched your room. I was worried about you! It's obvious you're not as happy as you look, especially with what you wrote in here." Morgana said, sighing.

"Merlin, I won't show Gwen, but please, talk to us! We'll always be here to help you, like you're always there for us. I've had an idea, and I think it might just work. But, please, can I see them?"

Merlin looked at the table, obviously understanding what she meant.

"I-I... Not now. Please, just not right now. I just want to go home for a while" he said, making his way towards the door

"Gwen, stay with him. Please."

Morgana said as she ran out of the house towards the palace, still holding the book in her hands.

Merlin sobbed, lying face-down on his bed.

"Oh, god, Gwen... What've I done to myself?" he asked rhetorically, no expecting an answer. Gwen shook her head and sighed.

"I don't know Merlin. I have no idea what Morgana was talking about earlier, but if it shocked her that much, I think I know what she's planning to do."

Merlin looked up sharply.

"You don't mean she's going to show Arthur! She can't! I have to stop her!" He started to get up, but Gwen stopped him.

"Why? What's in the book that's so bad?" she asked, looking confused as to why no one would tell her.

"Well... Since me and Arthur stated fighting I've been... Hurting myself..."

"I seal this entry with my newly drawn blood, and hope that this hellish time is over soon, Merlin!...?" Morgana nodded sadly, finding it hard to look at Arthur.

"I know it's hard to believe, but Merlin admitted it to me. Gwen was there as well, although she didn't know _what_ he was admitting."

she said, putting a hand on Arthur's shoulder. She knew it must be hard for him to see what Merlin had written, but it had to be done. She knew full well that Arthur loved Merlin, and that he didn't want anything bad to happen to him; he'd been arguing with Merlin purposely because his father didn't like their relationship, and it hurt him terribly, but he had to do it so Merlin wasn't killed by his father. He'd never imagined Merlin would do this! It hurt so much to think that it was his fault that Merlin was hurting himself.

"Morgana, where's Merlin? I need to talk to him."

Morgana told him where Merlin was, and Arthur immediately left the room, heading for Gwen's home. He had once thought he had loved Gwen, and it used to upset him that he could never have her as she wasn't noble, but he had realised otherwise once he had met Merlin. He did love Gwen, but as a sister, more than ever now he had helped her through the time after Uther -his father- had killed her father, thinking he was a sorcerer, or at least helping one. The truth was that he had been forced into working for him. Shaking his head, he knocked on Gwen's door, pushing it open to see a sleeping Gwen, and a sobbing Merlin with blood on his hands.

_**A.N.: **__I hope you liked it! I have the second chapter ready, but I might just wait for a couple of reviews... :) Don't blame me, blame my teacher in everything evil... Dalton, I did learn from the best :P ^_^. Sorry for the wait, I haven't had the internet for ages! :( I'm glad to be back! :D_

_Rhiannon_

_x x x x x_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Title: **__A Fight to Forget_

_**Chapter 3: **__Wanting Death_

_**Disclaimer: **__I Don't Own ANYTHING_

_**Spoilers: **__Hmm... I don't think there are any... I'm probably wrong..._

_**Warning: **__Contains Slash relationships and self-harming. If you don't like it don't read it!_

_**A.N.: **__Heyy... I know I said in the last chapter I was planning on being evil and making you wait, but... I decided not to. I had a huge few days of creative writing, so I thought I'd put them both up at the same time (Or at least that's what I'm planning, it'll probably go wrong...)_

Rushing over to Merlin's side, Arthur gasped, almost recoiling in horror. There were horrifically deep cuts on his wrists, which were bleeding profusely. ripping off the hem of his shirt, he wrapped it round one wrist, then grabbed a cloth from a near by table and wrapped that around the other wrist. Pulling up the hardly conscious Merlin, he put of Merlin's arms around his neck, and one of his own arms around Merlin's slender waist to support him. Moving as quickly as he could, he half carried, half-dragged Merlin to Gaius' chambers, praying that the physician was there. He let out a sigh of relief as he saw the man.

"Gaius!"

he shouted, shifting Merlin's weight slightly to make it more comfortable. Gaius gasped as he saw Merlin, rushing over and helping the prince get Merlin into his chambers. Arthur helped as Gaius stripped Merlin, staring at the myriad of scars, some just white lines, others new-looking scabs that covered Merlin's upper arms and legs.

"Oh my god... I never thought it would be this bad..." Arthur murmured, horrified.

"What? You knew about this?" Gaius asked, staring at Arthur in horror.

"No, not until a few minutes ago. Morgana found his diary... It was the only thing he was honest with. He-He did this b-because... Well... we've been fighting lately, because I've been trying to - to avoid him. I was worried what my father would do if our relationship continued. I could see that Merlin wasn't happy, but I... I never thought he'd do this!" Arthur told the old physician, tears threatening to spill down his face. He looked up at Gaius as he remembered the sleeping Gwen.

"Do you need my help here? Because I want to check on Gwen - I think Merlin put her into a magical sleep, so he could do this. I'll be right back"

Arthur said as he left, almost running back to Gwen's house. He smiled as Gwen stirred, and quickly woke her.

"Gwen, could you go and get Morgana for me? Tell her Merlin is with Gaius, and that it's worse than she could've ever expected."

Gwen nodded, rushing out of the house. She knew some of what he was talking about, so she knew this might be serious.

"A-Arthur...?"

Merlin groaned, opening his eyes -albeit difficultly- to see a blurry out line of the prince.

"Merlin! Thank the heavens you're okay! I was so worried when I found you at Gwen's, and Morgana and Gwen have been frantic for the past few days"

_Few days...? How long have I been unconscious?_

"What... days?" Merlin asked croakily. Arthur nodded sadly.

"You almost died, Merlin. Morgana - Morgana showed me your diary. Did you mean what you said? About me and my father? I... I'm sorry Merlin. I had no idea how much I was hurting you..." he said, a lone tear running down his face.

"I Love You Merlin. I may not have had the courage to admit it before now, but I do."

Merlin shook his head

"You've said it before, Arthur. How can I believe you now, after everything you've put me through?" he asked, tears running down his face. Pushing Arthur away, Merlin sighed.

"Go away, Arthur. Maybe one day I'll trust you again, but not today. Just leave me alone."

Arthur gasped, staring at Merlin. Tears now pouring endlessly down his pale face, Arthur sobbed quietly.

"What? But- No! After all we've been through? You can't! Please, Merlin..." Looking down at Merlin lying on his bed, Arthur suppressed another sob. He could see in Merlin's eyes that he wasn't going to change his mind.

_I'll have to live with his decision, however hard it might be. _he thought, sighing _it would be so much easier if I fired him, but I could never do that._

Lifting his head up and wiping away his tears, Arthur nodded once at Merlin, before leaving the room. Moving swiftly, he headed straight for the door, hoping that Morgana and Gwen had left. His hopes vanished though, when Morgana walked out of the corner and approached him, obviously about to ask what Merlin had said. Of all the people he could've met, Morgana was the one he was hoping to avoid. She could read him like an open book.

"I don't want to talk about it Morgana." he told her, before moving past her and leaving the physician's chambers. Making his way to the stables, Arthur quickly prepared his horse, and rode out into the woods. He needed to be alone, left to his own thoughts.

Merlin sobbed softly, lying on his bed, in the small room Gaius had given him. He loved Arthur, he really did, but he didn't think he was ready to risk feeling the betrayal and hurt he had been feeling since they had returned to Camelot. Shaking his head to try and clear out the unhappy thoughts, he wiped his eyes and sat up, sighing. _Someday we will be together again. Just not now. I need to learn to trust Arthur again._

He looked up as someone knocked on the door. Wiping his eyes a final time, he sat up a little straighter.

"Come in" he said, smiling as Morgana walked into the room, looking relieved.

"Merlin. I'm glad you're okay. Gwen and I have been worrying about you so much! How are you feeling?" she asked, but he could see there was more she had to say.

"I'm feeling better, Morgana. Thanks to Gaius, I'm alive"

"Gaius and Arthur" she interjected. Merlin frowned deeply

"Arthur? How?" he asked curiously. Morgana sighed.

"He stayed here day and night to help Gaius. His father was furious, ordering him to stop, but Arthur didn't listen. He was so worried about you, and he was devastated that he had made you feel like that."

Merlin looked up quickly, with a sharp intake of breath.

"What?... Morgana, I think I just made the worst mistake of my life!"

_**A.N.: **__I hope you liked it! I had a really long, sleepless night when I wrote most of this on paper, then typed it up, thinking it would be really short, but it wasn't! :) Please leave a review!_

_Rhiannon_

_x x x x x_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Title: **__A Fight to Forget_

_**Chapter 4: **_

_**Disclaimer: **__I Don't Own ANYTHING_

_**Spoilers: **__Hmm... I don't think there are any... I'm probably wrong..._

_**Warning: **__Contains SLASH and self harming! If you don't like it, don't read it (Unless you're willing to try something different :D)_

_A.N.: Sorry again for the huge gap between chapters (Well, the first and the second one, as I uploaded three at once)! Just got back from using the internet at Romsey Library, but is blocked :( I wrote a 166 word formal complaint why Facebook shouldn't be blocked on accounts of people under 16 (Unfortunately it wouldn't have worked for because of the M rated stories...) Anyway... Enjoy! :D_

Morgana frowned deeply

"What do you mean, Merlin?" she asked uneasily, dreading the answer.

"I told Arthur to leave me alone, because I couldn't have a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. I still can't bring myself to trust him completely, but I had no idea he did that! Morgana, we have to find him. I don't want him to do anything rash... Oh, god... what if something happens to him? I couldn't live with myself!" he cried, sitting up too quickly, and regretting it as the room span.

"Merlin, you're in no state to go out at the moment, you're still recovering! I... I'm sorry I took the book to Arthur, but I couldn't stand to see you hurting like that. It was tearing me apart." Merlin shook his head, frowning.

"It can't wait, Morgana. Anything could happen to him! I'll be okay, seriously. I can heal myself with my gift if I need to. We have to find him" Merlin declared simply, getting out of bed with only a little difficulty. Sighing Morgana nodded.

"Let's go then. I don't like the look of those clouds. You get yourself ready, and meet me by the stables in 10 minutes. There's something I need to do first." she told him, rushing off. Merlin sighed, before making his way to his small, plain room and packing some spare clothes, and his book of magic into his pack, along with a little food and some healing poultices, just in case Arthur was hurt. Forcing the thought out of his mind, he wrote a note to Gaius explaining where he had gone and apologising for the missing poultices. Then, after he had finished his preparations, he left Gaius's chambers and set off towards the stables.

When he arrived, Morgana had already saddled two horses, one of which was hers. The other was Finn, the horse Arthur had given him after they had returned from Ealdor. Merlin mounted quickly, glad that he had practiced his riding skills recently, and cantered off towards the gates, Morgana close behind him.

Sore and tired, Arthur sat down on the trunk of a fallen tree and thought back to his conversation with Merlin earlier that day. Merlin's words had made him realise just what he had put Merlin through for the past few weeks. It shocked him, seeing what Merlin had done to himself. There had been so many scars over his arms and legs... Shaking his head, Arthur pushed that thought out of his head, instead trying to work out how he could make it u to Merlin. It was obvious that it would take more than a simple apology, but he was determined to get Merlin back, because he never meant to lose him, and he couldn't stand to see Merlin upset. Arthur sat there for what seemed like hours before he was jolted out of his thoughts, realising that he had started crying. He hurriedly wiped his eyes as he heard hoof beats approaching and ducked behind the tree, glad he had left his horse in a nearby clearing to graze. He almost got up as he saw who the riders were, but decided to stay hidden. He had no idea why he decided to hide from Merlin and Morgana, except for the fact that they had found his horse and were obviously worried about him.

"Morgana, what if something's happened to him? He 'd never leave his horse, it's one of his favourite possessions!" Merlin said, his voice full of worry. Morgana reached over and touched his arm gently.

"Arthur can look after himself Merlin. He'll be fine. We just need to find him, and explain." she said slowly, looking around. "I feel like we're being watched. Come one, lets keep going for a little longer, then we'll go back. He's sure to be here."

Merlin nodded, and they carried on along the road. When they were out of sight, Arthur stood up and glad that he knew the forest better than them, took a short cut through the woods that would get him to a place he could stop and wait for them.

Merlin sighed, scanning the trees on either side of the road yet again. He was beside himself with worry. He couldn't bear it if something had happened to Arthur after how he had dismissed him earlier in Gaius' chambers, especially as he hadn't known the full extent of help Arthur had given him. Looking over at Morgana, he shook his head and, concentrating on the road, pushed the thoughts of Arthur being hurt out of his mind. Looking up, he thought he saw a glimpse of red, the same shade that Arthur had been wearing earlier, and spurred his horse forwards, round the next bend. He almost laughed with relief when he saw Arthur sat on a tree stump, clearly deep in thought. Merlin dismounted quietly, walking towards Arthur slowly, almost nervously. Hearing him approaching, Arthur looked up, and seeing Merlin looked slightly apprehensive. Merlin smiled slightly, holding up his hand in greeting.

"Hey Arthur..." he said uncertainly, finding it difficult not to grab Arthur and hug him within inches of his life. Arthur stood and slowly walked over to Merlin, who was trying to work out what to say. Morgana was tactfully staying out of the way.

"Arthur... I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I had no idea what you did to help Gaius. I've been through so much recently, with Will's death, and almost being executed. Maybe I just want to be safe, but I've realised I didn't mean what I said to you. I need you now, more3 than ever. I was so worried when you just left. I... I thought something awful had happened. I dreaded the thought of you getting hurt after what I said, I'm sorry" he said, tears now running down his face. Arthur's breath was uneaven as he approached Merlin. Soundlesly, Merlin sobbed into Arthur's shoulder as he put an arm around him, making quiet, soothing noises as he lead merln towards Morgana, and the horses. Seeing Merlin, Morgana dismounted and walked over to Arthur.

"I'll look after him, Arthur. Don't worry. LKet's get him on Finn, and get back to Camelot. You can talk properly there" she said, smiling slightly. Arthur nodded, and together they got merlin onto his horse. With a deep sigh, Arthur trotted away, towards Camelot, his home, Merlin and morgana not far behind.

_**A.N.: **__Heyy guys! Sorry for the extremely long wait, but the internet at my house isn't working, so I have to use the computers at my local Library. My sister helped me get an Adut account for them, so I can get on . I hopem you liked it! D~o you want another chapter, or do i leave it there? Your choice! Please review!_

_Rhiannon_

_x x x x x _


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